she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
