My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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