So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He shit in the fireplace
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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