the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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