I think I just saw someone hide a body.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
