He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
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This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
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i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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