tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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