he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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