So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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