Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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