the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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