I just cut my nipple shaving
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
