I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize