My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
