I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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