I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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