awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
