Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
