First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
