I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
