shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
