well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
