My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
