i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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