I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
