I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
