i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Drunk is a universal language darling
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
