We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
