The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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