turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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