My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
