Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
