I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
