i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
