Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
