I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
A bitchslap is in order.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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