Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
