Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
