i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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