how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
