It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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