Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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