i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
