a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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