I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
