I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
