my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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