I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
