dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
