I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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