So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
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I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
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I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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