It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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