Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
