You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
