Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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