I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He? As in you personified your dick?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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